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Thursday, July 16, 2009
sigh.
granted, i knew i was going to die the minute she asked the question, but still.
im stupid.
i left my brain back in the days when failing anything was a totally new concept.
i left my brain back in the days when i had confidence in passing a test simply based on the fact that i studied for it.
now there's nothing.
the first words out of her mouth when i told her i failed chem and math, and got b for gp.
"you dont buck up, the scholarship is going to be gone."
the money. its all about the money.
if i dont get it, the money's gone.
the next sentence.
"so out of three, you failed two."
my gp results thrown out of sight, out of mind, out of the window into the black night where you're never finding it back again.
its at times like this when i wonder whats the point of doing well for one part when its not even counted, when no one even cares, when it pales so badly in comparison to the reaction of HOMG YOU FAILED SOMETHING.
failed one, failed everything.
whats the bloody difference.
when i was overjoyed about my o level results and was crying into the phone while calling her,
she couldnt hear me properly.
and so her first words were "OMG YOU FAILED? HOW BAD IS IT?"
like, yeah, thanks for the vote of confidence.
maybe, from the day i entered primary one and into this education system,
i've only been waiting for her to say
"work harder ok? next time you'll get it."
next time.
there's no next time anymore.
because she's given up on me.
and i've given up on everything.
goodbye.
granted, i knew i was going to die the minute she asked the question, but still.
im stupid.
i left my brain back in the days when failing anything was a totally new concept.
i left my brain back in the days when i had confidence in passing a test simply based on the fact that i studied for it.
now there's nothing.
the first words out of her mouth when i told her i failed chem and math, and got b for gp.
"you dont buck up, the scholarship is going to be gone."
the money. its all about the money.
if i dont get it, the money's gone.
the next sentence.
"so out of three, you failed two."
my gp results thrown out of sight, out of mind, out of the window into the black night where you're never finding it back again.
its at times like this when i wonder whats the point of doing well for one part when its not even counted, when no one even cares, when it pales so badly in comparison to the reaction of HOMG YOU FAILED SOMETHING.
failed one, failed everything.
whats the bloody difference.
when i was overjoyed about my o level results and was crying into the phone while calling her,
she couldnt hear me properly.
and so her first words were "OMG YOU FAILED? HOW BAD IS IT?"
like, yeah, thanks for the vote of confidence.
maybe, from the day i entered primary one and into this education system,
i've only been waiting for her to say
"work harder ok? next time you'll get it."
next time.
there's no next time anymore.
because she's given up on me.
and i've given up on everything.
goodbye.
